Steinbeck’s Journal Entries During The 1918 Spanish Flu
“I dreamt of Cathy again last night. She wore a thin mouth covering you could almost see through. I awoke before I got to first base.”
— Little Old Lady Comedy, March 2021
LinkedIn Post: Professional Good Luck Charm Now Available for Your Loser of a Sports Team
“No matter what, halfway through the match, I must — I repeat I MUST — clip my toenails. It doesn’t matter if they need to be clipped or not. And whatever I clip must be recycled in the nearest bin, which you will provide.”
— The Daily Drunk Magazine, November 2020
Sad Little Trees: Bob Ross Talks Climate Change
“Let’s move on to our final painting of the day. In our last episode, we painted Secluded Forest, as you may recall. But over the weekend, a group of people burned it down for a gender-reveal party. So to honor that land, we’re gonna recreate what happened.”
— Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, February 2021
I’m a REAL Ugly Sweater, And You’re Just A Mass-Produced Piece of Holiday Brouhaha
“Admit it. You’re a one-hit wonder. Meanwhile, I was handmade with longevity in mind by a sweet old Minnesota grandmother named Josephine, who waterboarded me in a bucket and beat me with a broom daily.”
— The Daily Drunk Magazine, December 2020
Introducing the Carbe Diem Diet (Latin for ‘Eat Whatever the Fuck You Want’)
“Sure, abs are cool, but have you tried bread? Grab a fresh loaf and cut it into five, big-ass slices. Take out your preferred condiment. Mine happens to be mashed potatoes.”
— Robot Butt, January 2021
An Open Letter To My Childhood Toy That I Clearly Still Have Feelings For
“You were the first toy to set my lady-garden on fire. And the way you kept hinting at tea-bagging without actually saying it, I know you were burning with desire too.”
— Little Old Lady Comedy, November 2020
Carole Baskin Here, With New TikTok Dances For The Cats
“I’ve seen the TikTok dance some of you guys made, saying I killed my late husband. So I created my own to show you how I would have done it if I had done it, which I didn’t, but if I had, this is how.”
— Slackjaw, November 2020
Marty's Last Letter to Doc Brown, So He Can Get Back to the Present
“Dear Doc, I’m writing to you from the present. You’re probably somewhere in the future. Or the past. Past…future…what’s the difference, am I right? ”
— Points In Case, November 2020
Excerpts From Proud and Prejudiced, Jane Austen’s Novel About Trump’s Exile To Florida
“He drew the attention of the room with his short, orange stature and small, fleshy features. Mrs. Peppercorn, head of housekeeping, found him to be ‘rather stupidish.’ Not agreeable at all, in fact, until the day he grabbed her by the gentlewoman area, an act she allowed on account of his fame and superiority.”
— Little Old Lady Comedy, December 2020
I’ve Been Celine Dion This Whole Time and You Never Told Me!
“As I started to serenade whatever would listen, in my old familiar French-Canadian accent, it literally started coming back to me. I remembered that I too am Celine Dion!”
— Little Old Lady Comedy, January 2021
I’m Nextdoor App’s In-the-Way Man, a Super-Legit, Certified Superhero
“Also, if you knew me, you’d know I’m fully committed to my strict training regimen: perching, hiding, and crouching in strange places in the middle of the night.”
— The Daily Drunk Magazine, February 2021
House Hunters Quarantine Edition: What’s On Your Wishlist?
“Her: Plenty of corners to cloak in clutter and then declutter so I can clutter them again.
Him: At least one ghost to move things around, slam doors, and touch me at night because God knows she doesn’t do it anymore.”
— Little Old Lady Comedy, November 2020
I’m The Nervous Turkey At Your Virtual Costume Party
“I personally can’t eat anything that has a mom. Like I wouldn’t eat you, even if I were a zombie. I mean, if it has a face, which you do, I just can’t eat it.”
— Little Old Lady Comedy, October 2020